How grounding saved me

Mother’s Day wasn’t too bad this year. I lost my mother two years ago, so, yeah, it is not easy hearing all the commercials for Mother’s Day, seeing all the Hallmark cards, and reading all the social media posts of friends and family praising their mothers. But I have no one to say or give these things to anymore. But that's cool. I got this.

Mother’s Day fell on a Sunday this year. That provided for a nice full weekend of activity. I put on a happy face (or at least not a crying face) as I went out to not one, but two Mother’s Day luncheons. The first came on Saturday for my partner’s mother and immediate family. The second came on Sunday with my partner’s extended family.

Truth be told, I enjoyed the distraction of being around a lot of people and didn’t really pay too much attention to the purpose of the gatherings. There were no cakes, no toasts, no real acknowledgement of why we were there. Come to think of it, I don’t think it was a conscious effort by them, but, hey, maybe it was. I give them a lot of credit if it was, and I greatly appreciate it, although I would never want to rain on anyone else’s parade.

The details of the gatherings are not important, although I do enjoy fine dining. Actually, I enjoy any kind of dining. Good food, good people, good conversation. The important thing to note for me is that I felt okay after all was said and done.

The problem came the next day, and the next day, and, especially, the day after that.

I looked forward to a Monday alone after spending the weekend going from one place to another and never having any time to myself. My partner went to her teaching job. I resumed my normal routine of getting up early, going out to get an iced coffee (the world runs on Dunkin’, right?), then go sit at the park, do some dog watching, and listen to some sports talk radio, or play some Boggle on my phone. I guess you could call it my meditation time and it could last from anywhere between an hour to three hours.

I used to sit at the cemetery for hours on end, but now I sit at this recreational park. My partner thinks people may think I am creepy, but I don’t care. I also know I am not alone as I have gotten to recognize several cars and what time they arrive at the park and how long they stay.

So Monday was a bit of a comfort being by myself, although I could feel a mental storm lurking.

Tuesday the clouds started moving in on my mind. It was two days after Mother’s Day, but now it was starting to set in. A couple days alone and I began thinking of how nice it was to see everyone’s mothers over the weekend and how happy they all were. But I didn’t have my mother, and now I was thinking about it, realizing it, and not liking it one bit.

Then came Wednesday - one of the worst days I have had since my mother’s passing. I made it to the coffee shop fine. I made it to the park fine. But out of nowhere, and, oddly, it coincided with a strong gust of wind that blew through my car windows, my mood went dark. The weather outside my car was sunny and beautiful, but my mind went dark and stormy.

It really was the weirdest thing. I went from an 8 to a 1 on my mood scale in a matter of a second. What was this I was feeling? This was next level stuff. I had questioned my place in the world, but never seriously considered killing myself. But now, I was. Maybe it had something to do with the “suicide contract” I had “signed” (I faked a horrible signature) with my therapist on Saturday. The contract asked questions that got me thinking of ways to kill myself, ironically. It explained objects to keep away from me when I was in a dark mood. It even asked me how would I kill myself and to avoid situations where I could implement those actions.

Not a good idea to get me to think that way. It almost made me feel comfortable with the idea of killing myself. It got me thinking of the easiest ways of doing it.

That really didn’t come into play until this particular Wednesday. It wouldn’t be as hard as I thought to end it all. I wouldn’t have to snap my neck hanging myself. I wouldn’t have to feel that sharp blade on my flesh. I could just take some pills or breathe in some carbon monoxide.

Stop it! Don’t think like that!

My thoughts had never advanced to that point. My thoughts were going further down than ever. They had crashed through some mental barriers I had established.

Just get through today. Tomorrow will be better. People need you. Things will get better. Be around for when they do.

Thinking like that usually snapped me out of these funks, but today it wasn't working. My body started shaking. My legs kept tapping. I put my head between my legs to try to stop my head from spinning.

I decided I needed to go be with my mother at the cemetery. It was moments like these I needed my mother the most. I started the car and began my five minute drive to the cemetery. I was driving down a side, winding road in a wooded area. Again, another powerful entity seemed to take over my body. I looked at the next curve and felt a resistance when I went to turn the steering wheel.

Come on. Crash into that tree. It won’t hurt but maybe for a second. And it will be all over. No more worries about finances or the future. And, most importantly, you can be with your mother!

Who are you? Get away from me. Leave me alone. I just want to get through today.

This went on for my whole trip to the cemetery. It took all my strength to make those turns.

When I finally did get to the cemetery, I was an emotional and physical wreck. I parked under my favorite tree about 50 yards away from my mother’s grave, but within viewing distance. I lined up the car just right so I could see her grave clearly.

But here I was, shaking even more than at the park. I decided to text my partner just to tell her how I was feeling. I felt she needed to know and I felt I needed to tell her. Surprisingly, she was calm in her reply. She thanked me for messaging her, told me she loved me, and to keep texting her I was okay. I was worried she was going to leave school to be with me. I didn’t want that. I just wanted her to know so she wouldn’t be blindsided in case I …. You know.

I texted a few more friends. I needed the distraction, just like I had had over the weekend. I thought about my therapist’s contract thing, and how we discussed who to call if I get like this. I could even call her. But I knew if I ever got to that point, no one would be able to talk me out of it, and I wasn’t at that point … yet. I put my head between my knees again and started rocking back and forth in my driver’s seat.

Make it stop, please, PLEASE!

I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get out of the car. I needed to go be with my mother. I needed fresh air. So I got out and walked over to her grave. I flipped open the lid to her photo on the gravestone. Why did my dad have to be in the photo to ruin it? I stood over the spot where she was buried. I talked to her. I needed her more than ever since her passing. I cried for the first time. I looked at the plot of land next to her. That is where i would be buried when I died. Might it be sooner than anyone thought?

I decided to crouch next to her. I put my hand on the warm, prickly grass. I wanted to feel her energy. I wanted to touch her. The energy coming through my hand wasn't enough.

I looked around and nobody was nearby visiting anyone’s graves, which was a rarity at this time of the day. Just like I knew people at the park’s schedule, I was also very familiar with the schedules of the regulars to the cemetery.

I decided I wanted to sit on the grass next to my mother’s gravesite while keeping my hand on the grass. As I looked around, again seeing no one, I decided to take it a step further. I wanted to lay on top of my mother’s grave, face down, arms outstretched as if I were hugging her.

I know if someone caught me, I would look like a crazy person. Maybe I am? What did I care? She was the only one who could save me right now. Why should I worry about being embarrassed if I was thinking about ending things? I needed to feel the comfort of being as close as possible, physically, to my mother.

So I plopped myself face down on the grass. Right away I noticed the smell of the grass. It was hard not to as a couple blades of grass went immediately up my nostril. I noticed the prickly feel of the grass all over my body. I closed my eyes and focused on the nothingness. I listened and heard the birds chirping, and felt my heart beating against the ground. I was alive. She lay below me dead. Such a small gap between life and death.

Suddenly, I felt a sense of peace come over me. I forgot where I was. The thought of anyone watching me never entered my mind. I tried not to focus on the thought that her body was in some state of decay below me. Instead, I focused on how close I was to her. I imagined her hugging me, holding me, telling me everything will be alright. And I was comforted. My body stopped shaking. My eyes dried up. My fog lifted. The voices stopped.

I am happy to report I am still here. And I have that singular act of desperation, which I later found out to be a form of “grounding” in the most literal sense, to credit with saving my life.

The website talkspace.com defines grounding techniques this way:

Grounding techniques are coping strategies to help reconnect you with the present and bring you out of a panic attack, PTSD flashback, unwanted memory, distressing emotion, or dissociation. They help separate you from the distress of your emotional state or situation.

Essentially, grounding means to make yourself one with nature, either by planting our bare feet firmly on the ground, or throwing yourself face first into the grass. It makes you take inventory of your surroundings using all five of your senses. Be present in the now. Focus your thoughts on visuals, sounds, tastes, tactile feelings, and smells. Be present.

By focusing on these physical senses, I became distanced from my mental distress. It literally grounded me instead of allowing my mind to drift. It brought me, literally and figuratively, back to earth.