Storm chaser couldn't escape the storms in his head

So I’ve been binge watching “Storm Chasers” for a couple of weeks now. My girlfriend is sick of it. It is bad enough I’ve been watching the series non-stop for the last two weeks. I’ve also been watching pretty much any YouTube video that has to do with the show or its cast of characters.

The series follows a handful of storm chasing teams as they pursue tornadoes throughout the Midwest and southern US states, a stretch of the United States ominously referred to as Tornado Alley. Atmospheric conditions in these states and regions are prime for tornadoes. And these storm chasers will drive hours and hours to any area they view as promising for tornadoes on that given day. In one episode, one of the storm chasers was following a storm across a bridge crossing the Mississippi River and he said to the camera, “I will follow this storm system to the Atlantic if I have to in order to catch a tornado.”

The size of the storm chasing teams varies. They range from one car to a convoy of ten or more vans with meteorological equipment propped on top of their vehicles. The vehicles range from typical family sedans, to pickup trucks, to vans, and in a couple of cases, virtual tanks with names like TIV and The Dominator.

Storm chasers' goal is to get as close to a tornado as possible. They all say they are doing it in the name of science, but you know a large part of the allure is thrill-seeking. They all hope to “deploy” measuring devices into a tornado to be able to measure things like temperature, dew points, humidity, barometric pressure, and wind speed. The way they deploy these devices is by trying to put their “pods” in positions where they believe the tornado will pass over. To have the best chance of success, these teams need to drop off these pods as close to the tornado as possible and in the direction they believe the deadly funnel is heading, then get out of there quick.

In a couple of the more daring teams’ cases, the best way to ensure getting a direct hit on the tornado is to drive into it, or more accurately, sit in the exact path where they know the tornado is going to pass.

No matter the size of the team, each one consists, at bare minimum, of a driver, a navigator, and a videographer. The navigator is always a meteorologist who is constantly reviewing radar on a laptop to locate possible tornadoes and to direct the driver where to go.

This was Matt Hughes’ job as part of filmmaker Sean Casey’s TIV (Tornado Intercept Vehicle) team. Sean Casey was attempting to make a life-defining IMAX film documentary on tornadoes, with the highlight being a shot of what it is like to be in the center of a tornado.

The TIV was one of those aforementioned “tanks.” In reality, it was a redesigned truck complete with bullet proof glass, a reinforced shell, a turret above the vehicle to provide Casey’s IMAX camera a full 360 degree view of the outside, and even spikes which could be deployed into the ground to anchor the vehicle during a storm.

One can only imagine the cost that went into making this behemoth. At one point during the series, Casey told Hughes that he had put $400,000 into this project.

Casey could put millions of dollars into the project and it wouldn’t have mattered if he didn’t have someone who could safely navigate him into a tornado. This is where Matt Hughes came in.

To me, Hughes was the star of the show. He represented what tornado chasing was all about. Reed Timmer, considered one of the most experienced and aggressive storm chasers, was set up to be the star of the series, but to me he seemed obnoxious, immature, and full of himself. He didn't treat the other members of his small team very well, often times screaming at them. He wasn't very likeable.

Hughes was different. He had charisma and humility. Tornado chasing was all new for him and it showed. He was genuinely excited to see a tornado for the first time, and not because he could profit off the video by selling it to news stations, like Reed Timmer.

For most of the series, Hughes, and a fellow young meteorologist, Brandon Ivey, followed Casey and the TIV in a truck. They appeared for the first time in the series Storm Chasers in episode one of season three. They would always stay a little distance behind the TIV and provide the eyes for Casey. Since the TIV was so large and had so much hardware, its view was limited, especially behind the vehicle.

In one episode, Hughes directed the team towards a promising storm cloud. Just as they were approaching a tornado, however, communication between Casey and Hughes' hand held devices broke down. Hughes was distraught as the tornado passed just north of where the TIV was located, and exactly where Hughes was trying to direct it to go.

Casey made the decision to put Hughes in the TIV itself so the communication problem wouldn’t happen again. The next few forays into storms, however, featured Casey and Hughes butting heads. Hughes, with his youthful exuberance, was pressuring family man Casey to be more aggressive. In one episode, Hughes and Ivey, in the follow up vehicle, wanted to go further north to chase a storm cell, but Casey decided to go south to a closer, less promising possibility. Casey was worried there wouldn’t be enough daylight to capture a tornado properly for his film if they followed Hughes’ recommendation and drove to the further off spot. As it turned out, a huge tornado hit in the area Hughes wanted to go. Nothing happened where they ended up in Casey’s location.

When interviewed for the cameras that night, Hughes said he needed to be more assertive, and he would do just that next time he saw Casey. He was tired of making the right decisions, but being constantly overruled.

The following day, Hughes met up with Casey in a restaurant. Hughes told Casey that Casey needed to have more trust in him, and that he needed to follow his direction if Casey wanted to successfully get his prized shot for his film. Casey, standoffishly, replied that his family’s future relied on the success of the film and that he could not hand off that responsibility to someone else. Hughes didn’t push the matter. I thought he was going to quit right then and there, but he didn’t.

After a few more failed pursuits, and after some soul searching, Casey relented to Hughes. He admitted, solemnly with his head down to the camera, that his way was not working. He knew it would be tough, but he was going to let Hughes take charge, and he would support him 100%.

Season 4, episode 4 of “Storm Chasers” is titled “Dedication.” It is revealed at the beginning of the episode, publicly, for the first time that Hughes had passed away. The opening shot is a picture of Hughes with the caption “His family requests that his last chase be shown in a special episode.”

The episode is memorable to me for the fact that Hughes’ dream came true on this day. He got to witness the inside of a tornado. He did everything right that day. He found a tornado. He put the TIV in a perfect position to intercept the tornado. He was able to determine that the tornado was just weak enough for the TIV, and its passengers, to survive. He had done it!

On this day, Hughes was definitely the star. He knew it. You could see the satisfaction on his face after the tornado passed. I’m sure a majority of viewers were smiling as they saw Matt’s reaction during the thirty seconds or so that he was inside the tornado, constantly happily screaming, "Oh my God!" You hear the saying “smiling from ear to ear” a lot, but Matt really was. You couldn’t be happier for him.

“This might be my film, but its definitely Matt’s shot,” Casey said afterwards. “He got us exactly where we needed to be without help.”

“I’m really happy for Matt. I know it is has been a dream of his to intercept a tornado,” Ivey said from the follow up vehicle.

“That’s something about chasing. When you are just high as a kite. You are looking at God’s most powerful thing on this earth. It is majestic and it is beautiful,” Matt says afterwards. You can just see the joy in his face. It radiates through the TV screen.

As a viewer, you just know you witnessed the greatest day in someone’s life. That’s pretty cool and inspiring. Our goal should be to feel the way Matt did at least once in our lives. As soon as you start feeling great for Matt, though, you get hit with this:

The “fatal injury” ended up being a suicide attempt. Apparently, he was found barely breathing after trying to hang himself on May 14, 2010. He died 13 days later surrounded by family and friends. He was only 30 years old. His funeral was attended by nearly 500 people.

How could this happen? He seemed so happy in that episode, and a week later he tried taking his own life? It was hard to believe. He looked at peace with the world.

Turns out Hughes was dealing with depression for some time. He had been drinking, according to TMZ.com, the day he tried to hang himself. The Daily Mail of England quoted a friend of Hughes as saying, "While the professional side of Matt was going fine, his personal life was nothing but." Hughes had a wife and two sons.

I've re-watched several of the previous episodes looking for signs of Hughes' depression. The signs are there, but I didn’t notice them at the time. It is like reading a mystery novel and getting to the end of the story, then you go back and smack yourself on the forehead and say, “Why didn’t I see that clue at the time?” It is only after knowing the ending that you realize it.

There were times when it looked like Hughes was looking to Casey for acceptance, despite Casey treating him like shit a lot. No other scene represents this more than the one below. Look at the sparkle and the love - there is no other word for it - in Hughes’ eyes as he eavesdrops, admiringly, from the background as Casey answers a question about the romanticism of tornadoes.

So many times you could see Hughes begging Casey to trust him. You can see his frustration when he doesn’t get his way. At the time I viewed it as Hughes being aggressive and confident. Now I view it as Hughes, desperately, asking for affirmation and validation. And isn't that what we are all looking for? Doesn't life suck when you don't feel like you are getting it from your family, your partner, your job?

Yet Hughes had so many friends. Look at the turnout at his funeral as evidence of that. He never got to realize how much he was loved. Do we realize how much we are loved? Do we realize the impact our death could have on other people? Do we realize that we have friends out there that are there to talk to if necessary?

And then there was the drinking aspect. Would Hughes have done what he did if he was sober? It takes every mental tool in our arsenal to battle suicidal thoughts when we are depressed. Taking any form of mind-altering substances lets down our guard. It doesn't allow us to see the big picture. It only takes a second to end our lives. One moment of weakness is all it takes. When I get suicidal thoughts, I think to myself, "Just get through today. Tomorrow is a new day."

And who knows what tomorrow may bring. Imagine if Hughes had killed himself years earlier. He never would have gotten to experience the thrill he had of being in a tornado or being on a TV show. Who knows what experiences he could have missed out on in the thirteen years he has been gone. He would still only be 43 now - younger than me.

I have been fascinated by Hughes’ death. It has weighed on my mind frequently since watching that dedication episode. I just can’t believe that a person who looked so happy, who was charasmatic, was smart, was good looking, appeared to have everything going for him, why would he take his life? You hear the phrase “I could die right now a happy man.” Did Hughes take that literally? Did he feel he had just reached the pinnacle of his life - he had achieved all he had hoped to achieve? Did he feel that it was all downhill from here?

I see a lot of myself in Hughes. I know I am smart, not as smart as Hughes, but smart. Both Matt and I probably had a hard time finding our place in society. Maybe we both viewed ourselves as "nerds." Matt knew how to do one thing really well, and he was hurt when his decisions were questioned. Maybe it was a little immature, but he would get upset if he didn't get his way. At the same time, he accepted and tolerated rejection from above. He wanted Casey's respect. He needed it. He was searching for that acceptance from his perceived father figure.

As with so many other cases, Matt Hughes could put on a happy face with the best of them. But nobody knew the hurt that lay behind his sparkling eyes and huge smile.